Make or Break: Long Term Relationships In Your 20s
Image: Jodie Hill and partner reunited and thriving in Minca, Colombia.
Introduction
In our early 20s, we are told to have fun, not take life too seriously, and focus on ourselves. As much as I tried to be an independent girl boss who would travel the world and not care about the big 30 because age is just a number… the pressure to have everything figured out is suddenly very real. Huge life decisions start to get in the way of that easy going feeling. Your friends start getting married, having children, getting promoted, buying houses, running marathons and moving to Australia. Tipping over into my late twenties, I noticed my whole perspective shift. I’m 26 at the time of writing and currently in a relationship which is almost at the 7-year mark. When I was 24 I wanted to plan holidays abroad and music festivals we might like to go to. Now I’m suddenly thinking about which country our forever home should be in, when he would be ready for kids, when I would be ready for kids, what well-paying job I would want to be in whilst on maternity leave, and whether having my own business is a viable option. And as the 7th year of our relationship was closing in, I started to feel the dreaded “7-year itch” take hold of me.
The 7-Year Itch
It was my mum who told me about the phrase “the 7-year itch” when I mentioned that I had been having some relationship doubts. It seems to have been around since at least the 1950s when Marylin Monroe starred in a movie with this title. In the movie, after 7 years of married life, the next door neighbor started to desire her and fantasize about having an affair. There have been studies to suggest that after 7 years, relationship satisfaction is generally at an all time low, perhaps because resentments have had enough time to fester. For some reason, 7 years feels a lot more intense than 5 or 6. I started to question my whole relationship around this time and whether we were really right for each other. It’s true that what attracts you to someone in the beginning could be the very thing that grinds on you later on. His stoic, rational way of being was no longer the thing that I needed in a partner to feel emotionally safe and grounded, but a threat to my hopes of having a deep emotional connection and excitement in my relationship. Our mismatched love languages were no longer a hurdle for us to overcome as a team by learning to understand each other more, but a sign that we were inherently incompatible. His preference for living in the moment and not worry too much about the future was no longer cool and mysterious but a failure to dream big with me about our life together. Bless him, the poor guy was going through it.
You Spin Me Right Round, Baby
Around this time, we had been traveling together for 2 months, making amazing memories, meeting amazing people and generally having a fantastic time. But by our last 2 weeks of traveling together, it was just the two of us 24/7 with no one around to take the edge off. Honestly… we grew tired of the never-ending togetherness, tired of always having to consult the other for every plan we made and every cafe we wanted to go to. ‘Compromise’ felt like a dirty word where neither one of us got to do what we really wanted and both of us were only moderately happy with the plan. Every little thing we did became so codependent that we lost ourselves in those last 2 weeks. I was already facing a lot of anxiety about leaving my safe job and going into the unknown which made it harder for me to cope. Two months earlier I had expressed a desire to slow down, really get to know a place and have lots of time to work on myself and my business. I was filled with wonder (and worry) about alternative ways of living and had already been travelling solo for 6 weeks. He had just gotten out of a stressful job and couldn’t relate. He was on his holidays and didn’t want to slow down. We ended up traveling his way (the classic touristy backpacker route). Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the memories we made… but I didn’t follow my gut. After a few emotionally draining conversations, I think I was just too exhausted to argue. I had made my desires known, and that was all I had the energy for.
Space Oddity
We were then to separate for 6 weeks as he was going on to travel with a friend and I was going to visit home and then head out to Colombia for a yoga teaching opportunity. These 6 weeks apart were really hard for me but SO needed. In this short amount of time I went from worrying that we weren’t right for each other, to feeling confused about the whole situation, to actually feeling really optimistic and hopeful about our future. The space apart was absolutely necessary to get over my exhaustion, re-define what I wanted out of life and a partner, and to start thinking solely about myself again.
What flipped a switch for me, was that once we had our space and then spoke on the phone, he was actually talking about building a life together with children and buying a house together in Edinburgh or maybe even Spain. He was not only excited to slow down in our future travels, he was now supportive of my business ideas, helping me to find the best mic to use for my videos and nice spots for filming. He was even thinking about having his own software engineering company. This was huge. The things that had been missing were materialising in front of my eyes. He wasn’t a modern day Peter Pan as I had feared, but an amazing life partner ready to take on the world with me. In response I became more affectionate, more thoughtful, and genuinely interested in what he had to say. It was like the Pina Colada song in real life: we had been together too long… but we were rediscovering who we truly were. I couldn’t wait until we could meet again in South America to continue our travels and start dating all over again.
My Advice If You Find Yourself In ‘The 7-Year Itch’
If you don’t already, journal or voice record your feelings first, alone, so that you can gain perspective on your unfiltered thoughts on everything. Communicate openly about how you both feel in the relationship, but be gentle. Don’t make any rash decisions that you may regret later. Take your time, feel your feelings.
Get space to reflect on what you both really want out of life, focus on yourself, breathe. Personally I can only recommend having a monogamous break from my own experience, but perhaps some couples would prefer to see other people in their time apart. This felt too messy for us, and I don’t think it’s what either of us really needed.
Speak to people you trust or a professional to help identify if there are any real deal breakers or red flags in your relationship. I’m talking about those little niggles of doubt in your mind that you previously ignored and suppressed. Unleash them to the world and then decide if you can live with them going forward, or not.
When you have a chance to speak, and both of you are well-slept and ready, communicate all of your feelings (from a place of good and pure intention). Allow them the chance to do the same, and listen with your heart. Listen with compassion. Understand what you both want from life and the relationship, and whether these align.
There is no right answer here, only you get to decide if this relationship is right for you or not. It is incredibly confusing and scary to make this decision, but you can trust yourself to make the decision that is right for you at this moment in time, by listening to your gut. A few friends of mine recently made the decision to end their relationships, and they are really glad.
Whatever decision you make, commit to it. Either throw yourself into being single and working on yourself, OR throw yourself into the relationship, work on yourself, but also work as a team to create the lives you both desire in this new chapter together. Of course you can always change your mind if things turn out different than you hoped but it’s much better for both of you not to have one foot outside the door. Get clear on what you want and then jump in with both feet!
